Franklin & Bash, It’s a THREE-CAP, BRO! [TV]
Bro, what do we even do when we’ve missed three timely recaps of Franklin & Bash? I’ll tell you. We combine three KILLER episodes into the BADDEST recap on the planet or even the world, and here it is and away we go.
FRANKLIN & BASH SELF-MENTIONS (1). It’s painfully clear that the show goes out of its way not to mention Franklin and Bash, because the show would like you to take it a little more seriously. By the way, in last week’s episode PETER AND JARED recreated a high school prom in the courtroom.
LACK OF FRANKLIN & BASH SELF-MENTION THEORY: Obviously someone is reading the world’s most epic Franklin & Bash blog. (Spoiler, genius, it’s this one OBVS.) It is either the guy who wrote the season premiere, and he loves the blog, and how couldn’t you? It’s the most Franklin & Bash blog to ever recap Franklin & Bash each season of Franklin & Bash. OR ON THE OTHER HAND, there’s some crew of writers bitter that we revel each time Franklin and Bash mention Franklin & Bash and so they never put Franklin & Bash in the script. So it’s potential spite, and a totes non-baller move, hater.
MUSICAL DEPARTURES. Cocky surf rock (we’re in Malibu), plucky corporate muzak (oh hai F&B meetings are cray-cray), softcore swank (The Swatello March), glum punk (Franklin and Bash are out of options!), glum chords with pipe organ (Franklin punches Mike Tyson), hard-hitting surfer chords (surfing), triumphant jock rock (we proceed with no evidence) and loopy infatuated crushing music not unlike The Power of Love, IF I MUST SAY SO MY-SELLLLLLLF.
COURTROOM SLAM LINE. “He simply fell for what Huey Lewis called, The Power of Love.” YOU BETTER BELIEVE WE’LL ALLOW IT.
CIVIL PROCEDURE 101 (LOVE.). “See, prosecutor dude, right when you said something like, “Your honor, these men have no evidence and continue to circumvent all law and relevance,” why would you EVEN poke the bear, bro? Because IF – IF – Franklin and Bash are so irrelevant, why do even care if we proceed? Maybe Franklin is gonna call the tooth fairy and then present a unicorn’s footprints as evidence, but IF this stuff is so irrelevant then how can you even object, because by objecting aren’t you succumbing to these fairy tales and love being a drug and if you gonna do that, SON, oh well you best be ready because OMG by subjecting your legal principles to your objection your objection has now granted us relevance, and this is JUST LIKE the time I was on the Dodgers message board and some guy said Hanley Ramirez was a rhinoceros and I said, “No, he’s not a rhinoceros, and that is stupid,” but then the accuser could say O HELLZ YA BRO YOU TALKED TO ME THAT MEANS YOU THOUGHT MY ACCUSATION HAD EVEN A LITTLE BIT OF MERIT HERE and that is what happens in court today, and wait, should we check and see if the judge gonna allow it I WILL SAVE YOU THE TIME, BECAUSE SPOILER ALERT, YES, and your honor, I present love is the drug, our client was high on love, case closed, ipso facto, greatest day ever, check out this purple striped tie THIS IS A POWER TIE, SON.”
JUDGE NAMES. Honorable Elizabeth Sheffield. Lester Walsh. Lawrence Perry. No, I do not know why these are the funniest parts of the show, either.
POWER TIE POWER RANKINGS. Well, during Love Is a Drug it was all tight, all professional, all the time, probably signifying how hard the writers labored to try and work in the theme “Love is the Drug.” Good cop/Bad Cop, slightly loosened but Damien Karp’s red macro/micro stripe tie stole the show. And then during “Deep Throat” they were askew on accounta Franklin and Bash were practically having to be Woodward and Bernstein to save the day. ALSO DEEP THROAT OBLIGATORY PORN JOKE AM I RIGHT
SEX JOKES THAT ARE ACTUALLY KIND OF SAD (2). Any time Franklin & Bash giggled during Deep Throat; any and all references to Bash prematurely ejaculating on his prom date who he is now taking on as a client pro bono. Wait, is that three. Oh, who cares. Infinity.
B-LISTERS. John Michael Higgins, Mike Tyson, Valerie Mahaffey who had a killer run playing “that crazy girl” on Wings, Quantum Leap, and Northern Exposure back in the early 1990s, D’Angelo Barksdale’s mom from The Wire, Professor Jeremiah Laskey in one of the show’s most glaring missed opportunities ever, and of course Judge Ernie Hudson is back to restore some godforsaken order and you better believe he’ll allow it.
KARP IS SO LAME, BRAH. Hey, Karp! Don’t feel bad. First, you won the power tie power rankings even during an episode where we are still bringing up Heather Locklear 5 episodes after she left the show as though the information is relevant at all. Later, Karp will earn our respect standing up to Stanton even though we’re supposed to root for Stanton but that is JUST how the writers are trying to get us and soon it’s like Stanton landed the client sted Karp. See, Karp had signed the client. Then he turned him down. Then Stanton landed him, just because Karp didn’t want him, but then he did, and soon Franklin & Bash were laughing and YA BURNT KARP.
STANTON INFELD B-PLOTS WE’RE GOING TO IGNORE AFTER THIS PARAGRAPH (3) I don’t know if you HATERS noticed this but Stanton Infeld is ECCENTRIC. He is weird but effective and powerful and he growls everything, like a bawse gnome sayin. Anyway, one week a restaurant owner wants to punch him so ergo the Mike Tyson stunt. The next week he’s getting a massage with a Korean mob boss recruiting him as a client. (AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE A RECRUITING CORPORATE CLIENTS PARTY WHAAAAA) and the third week he’s trying to bring his cellist teacher into the firm to help his landlord sue a dry cleaner for ruining an expensive pair of pants.
MALIBU SANDS PARTY LEVEL (Yellow-Red-Off Board). So FIRST we are at yellow cautionary because even though love is in the air during “Love is the Drug” it is a very serious time. THEN we are at red because a) Trim is now just ‘around’ at Malibu Sands. It is no longer a question of if F&B need to invite people over for parties, they are already there. And in Deep Throat, well there is simply too much going on case-wise, and Franklin & Bash need to surf, dude, to get away from non-stop trim action. They’ve gotta help a sophomore newspaper student!
CIVIL PROCEDURE 201 (ADVERSE POSSESSION). Oh man, Officer Toolbag, we are drinking beer on the beach in front of this guy’s house, is that not classic Franklin & Bash? It is but ONLY so we can get a criminal citation for trespass which was all part of the plan because our friend Dewey who is always drunk (you must remember Dewey? Big oaf? Dewey? Have we not mentioned him?) actually totes owns this beach but Mr. Scrooge McStuffed Shirt has obviously adversely possessed the land by squatting for five years, which we know is airtight but adverse possession is a civil case and now with this criminal trespass violation we have RAISED STAKES to criminal trial, and that is totally how it works, we just have to ask the Judge from the Wendy’s commercial one question and you better believe the answer is HE’LL ALLOW IT. He’s super bored on account of this is traffic court, so why not, let’s circumvent all rules of evidence, procedure, quid pro quo, ipso facto, res ipsa loquitor, mens rea, and other legal mumbo jumbo and just have a big expensive criminal trial in small claims court on account of he’s bored. The taxpayers win again, California!
BAD COPS (2). Remember when Bash was stalking hot cop? Well, turns out Franklin and Bash’s adverse possession stunt has rankled the beachfront magnate and his own personal cop on the take is now messing up Malibu Sands parties for our boys Franklin and Bash. This guy is SUCH A BUZZKILL. He stops the lobster races. He threatens to CARD the partygoers, and then worst of all, he appreciates NEITHER the banter, nor the askance ties. The hell, bra? Anyway, we both know the only way to bring down a corrupt cop is to call Bash’s ex-girlfriend who HATES crooked cops and she is gonna take him down, because this is the WORST case of corruption. Bash’s ex-girlfriend ran a yellow light in her cop car on the way over here, and she immediately tasered herself for four minutes, then wrote a ticket and mailed it to her mother. She is mad mad mad, and she wants to GET this cop. And they do, sorta, and the cop is got but also Bash got hot cop to be submissive on the stand (Note: Bash’s game worked] and Bad Cop is in the clear. Did any of this make sense? No? No.
THE COP PLOT IN ONE SENTENCE: “What we’re gonna do to get this cop that’s flouting the law is to get our friend cop to flout the law BIGGER to bring him down.”
HIDDEN CONFLICT (1). Now, you might be saying to yourself, why is this attorney for Not Bayside High School so eager for a courtroom battle with Franklin & Bash to make sure this sophomore high school news reporter gets what’s coming to him! In fact, you might be saying to yourself, why are Franklin & Bash taking up a pro bono case making sure the precedents of source confidentiality and freedom of the press apply for a kid writing about the vote for prom queen. You might also be asking, “Wait, why is this kid at the prom by himself” during the evidence. BUT HERE’S THE ANSWER. Well, to the first one. The lawyer opposing Franklin & Bash in this case is Professor Jeremiah Laskey from Saved By the Bell, the College Years. Now, finally, he is in court against Peter Bash and able to slay the lingering demons left by Kelly Kapowski, once his student, then his babysitter, then she left him to go back to Zack. And now, by ruining this kid’s life, he is gonna show Zack Morris! Ha. Classic Laskey.
HOW COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY OPERATES (GRRR). “Well, Columbia University called. They’re revoking Josh’s scholarship. They got wind of the rigged prom vote and false accusation and Josh’s scholarship is contingent on him continuing to drop unassailable bombs as cub reporter for the Not Bayside Picayune. Maybe, Peter, maybe this conspiracy against Josh goes far beyond the principal and all the way to Columbia itself?” “Lady, that’s exactly why we have to take the case. For free. With me as counsel and your lover. And, I will continue to prematurely ejaculate well into my 30s cause you’re so smokin’.”
FRANKLIN & BASH RESOLVE ALL JOURNALISTIC CONFLICTS OF INTERESTS. “If you want to cover the circus, you can’t screw the elephants.”
CIVIL PROCEDURE 301 (FIRST AMENDMENT AND THE PROM). Well, once again this evidence is in and it’s last minute but Franklin, I think Laskey is onto us! He’s out to get us! We had the surprise shreddings indicating the prom vote was fixed, he had the video. Surprise witnesses, surprise evidence, have we finally met our match? “ “Bash, it’s all too easy. So first, no way we’re making this kid reveal his source, because journalism and integrity starts at sixteen, and by the way, here’s seven porn jokes about Deep Throat and I’m also going to make fun of you for blowing it, and so forth. ANYWAY, forget any of the actual civil or conflict of the case, because I’m tired of looking at laws and rules and textbooks and GAWD HIGH SCHOOL WAS TERRIBLE, RIGHT BASH?”
TIME OUT. High school was not bad for Bash.
TIME IN. “Anyway, high school sucked and Josh is going to protect his source the janitor (WHAT A TWIST – ED.) at the expense of going to jail for contempt, so forget all this law, someone get me a schematic of the school! Of course! Bash, that’s it, we’ll just re-create prom at the school and have a track star pretend to run up and down through our School 2.0 and plus you’ll get to dance with your girl and then we’ll exonerate Josh for a different crime than the one we’re in civil court for and it will all fall into place. Case closed!”
“Franklin, bro, that is almost too perfect and epic and I can’t wait to cut a rug in court with all the sexy ringers we’ll bring into the gallery, HOLLA. But will the judge allow it?”
I’LL ALLOW IT (3). “So let me get this straight, Franklin Esquire and Bash Esquire? You guys want to recreate the crime scene – if there was a crime – in school to try and re-enact it with a track star to prove that Josh’s high school has robbed him of $5.6 million in print journalism earnings [LOLOLOLOL – ed.] and clear him and in order to time this track star, we need to first build a scale model of the school in the courthouse, and that is not enough, we also need to stage a high school prom in open court? WHO WOULDN’T ALLOW THAT, BRA?”
Franklin. “I slept with two guinea pigs in my bed until I was 14.”
NO MORE WE KNOW DRAMA. NOW IT’S BOOM! TNT, THE MOST FRANKLIN & BASH SLOGAN TO AIR ON THE FRANKLIN & BASH NETWORK BROUGHT TO YOU BY FRANKLIN & BASH.
STILL NOT A FRANKLIN & BASH TAGLINE
Bash. “Very hot. If you’re into women who straddle massive instruments.”
GNOME SAYIN? THAT IS FRANKLIN AND BASH, AND THIS IS TNT! EVERY WEEK!
YOU BETTER BELIEVE THIS ISN’T A FRANKLIN & BASH TAGLINE
Franklin. “You wouldn’t be able to see you. Because you’d be inside of me.”
FRANKLIN & BASH, WEDNESDAYS ON TNT. BOOM! #Boom
Back next week, haters!
- The Curse of Hor-Aha
- Lincecum vs. Kershaw
- Franklin & Bash & The Mixed Bag of Life
- Franklin & Bash Go To The Show
- The Enduring Lesson of Franklin & Bash
- Franklin & Bash Are Magicians